


Love Me Till The End

by sunriseandsunshine



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Basketball Players AU, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, High School AU, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-18 07:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21590569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunriseandsunshine/pseuds/sunriseandsunshine
Summary: Shane does not like Ryan. Never has since kindergarten. Hell, he even tries out for the basketball team just to spite the idiot. Their dumb rivalry is his anchor, though. His life is changing and with little notice. Shane's got an aversion to it. He, and most every human, has inertia. A tendency to stay on the same life trajectory, and resist anything that threatens to make him take a different path. But he's starting to getting tired of resisting this particular one.Making the basketball team doesn't just give him a number on a jersey or popularity at school, it leads him to the best thing he'll ever have. Ryan Bergara.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 45
Kudos: 166





	1. Familiarity Is A Helluva Drug

**Author's Note:**

> maam this is my emotional support bastard high school AU.  
> shane and ryan genuinely hating each other is funny and something i wanted to explore so sue me? hehe <3 not actually i need to pay for college somehow... i hope u guys like this fic, i feel like it may or may not have potential yall can lmk on that. im just a small baby freshman so if my high school portrayal is ass pls school me (pun intended?) on how it could be better. ok just read it already!!!!

Shane fucking despises Ryan. He hates him with the fire and passion of a million suns. Cursing his very existence with the force of a colonial witch. In short, he hates him. 

They’ve been going to school together since Kindergarten and from that very first day when Ryan so foolishly grabbed Shane’s lunchbox instead of his own, he’s wanted nothing to do with the guy. And it wasn’t exactly a secret that they hated each other. 

It wasn’t until middle school that it became a true feud. They’d exchange dirty looks in the hallways, Ryan would trip him in gym class, Shane would give him the wrong answer in math to shout out when he fell asleep. Their teachers hated it but it was unstoppable. No matter how many detentions you through them in, they would keep on fighting. 

When high school came, Shane decided to be the bigger man. He went to Ryan, a cookie in hand, and asked if they could finally settle this thing before high school started. Ryan slammed the door in his face. Shane only knocked again. And again. And again. Eventually, he agreed to not be as rude but he figured that wouldn’t last long. 

He was right. 

High school is good, Shane thinks. There are more freedoms and more space and better teachers. The only bad thing is Ryan Bergara. Sure, they agreed to be not so rude but the second they bumped into each other all bets were off. 

There was only one time they didn’t fight: during English class. It was a tradition at this point to be overly nice during English because for some reason, every year without fail, they had that class together. They would pair up for projects and never bicker and help each other with things they didn’t understand. It was a weird arrangement but it sure worked. The same rule didn’t apply to gym class though which they had together every year too. Ryan still chased him around with a basketball or soccer ball or football or baseball bat. (He got detention for that last one but Ryan said it was worth it.) 

That’s why English is his favorite. Not because he likes to read or write because honestly, gross, but because he gets to see the side of Ryan he actually likes. Any other time though? Pure firey hatred. 

For how much they hated each other, they always seemed to find themselves together. Sitting together at football games, pairing up for group things, going to the mall with the same group, getting dinner at the small diner downtown that can barely seat one person in the booth. Their friend groups weren’t even that mingled. Ryan had his teammates, Shane had his nerds. But there was  _ just enough  _ overlap that they found a way to be near each other. 

All things considered, it wasn’t that bad. Even if he sometimes hated everything about Ryan, he was tolerable a majority of the time. It was just that infuriating minority of the time that overshadowed it. He did have some redeeming qualities like his taste in music and how kind he was and how smart he was and his love of popcorn, of course. But, again, his love for the supernatural and sports and the fact that his favorite chick flick was  _ 50 First Dates  _ overshadow all of them by a long shot. (I mean c’mon that movie is atrocious.) 

Gym class was next and Shane was already dreading it. It’s November so of fucking course, they’re playing basketball in gym. He hates this unit and what it turns Ryan into. An idiot. It turns him into an idiot. Ryan will hop around the gym yelling at Shane when they’re on the same team or jumping around him trying to guard when they aren’t. It’s quite funny to watch how fired up he can get. He and Andrew make bets every year on how long it’ll take Ryan each year to lose his shit. The best part is when his face gets all red and smiley at the end of the game when his team wins because of course basketball team captain Bergara is going to win a game of basketball in fucking gym. 

Ryan was in a Lakers jersey because he’s, well, Ryan and the most flimsy shorts he’s ever seen on someone before. He had that sinking feeling they’d be on opposite teams and he was right. Shane gets passed the ball and he runs over hopping around with his arms waving trying to block him. He dribbles a foot before taking his shot,  _ swish _ , and Ryan is livid. “When did you learn how to do that?” 

“Oh, been working on it. Planning on trying out for the team this year, Ry. I had to get some skills.” 

“You’re planning on doing WHAT?” 

Shane smirked. “You heard me.” 

His teammates got ahold of the ball and passed it to him. He dribbled up to the three, his eyes focused when Ryan came out of nowhere. As he was ready to shoot, a hand came out of nowhere to stop him. He couldn’t dribble away, he was stuck. Shane passed it to Steven who sunk the 3 from the other side of the line. For good measure, he stuck his tongue out at Ryan. He could feel the rage emanating from him from across the court. 

Maybe this unit wouldn’t be too bad after all. 

Ryan came up to him after class was over in the locker room. He threw Shane’s sweatshirt at him. “Come with me, big guy.” 

Shane giggled. “Kinky.” 

“Oh shut up for once, Madej.” 

They walked out of the locker room, bumping shoulders a couple of times when they went through the doorways. He has a suspicious Ryan wants to try and convince him to not try out for the basketball team because, let’s face it, neither of them is going to be able to survive a whole season on the same team. But at the same time, Shane thinks it might be the thing that finally lets them bridge the gap between them and become friends. 

This whole hating each other thing  _ was  _ kind of getting old. (You can only bicker for so long about the same things.) But it’s normal and familiar and safe, and that’s what Shane really needs in his life right now. He isn’t sure he can handle any more change. Change...sucks. Especially when you aren’t prepared for it. And especially when it’s as big as your parents getting divorced when you’re fifteen. Humans, like any object, have inertia. If your life has a certain trajectory and is following a specific path, it’s not going to want to stop. You’ll resist that change with all you have, no matter if you smack into a brick wall or not. 

Ryan sort of gives him this look of pity. As though he’s uncertain whether he should say what he wants to. He’s hesitant, opening and closing his mouth multiple times. His shoulder bumps Shane’s again. “Look, uh, why are you actually trying out for the team?” 

“Because coaches have been urging me to since I got over six feet,” Shane says. 

“No, dude, the real reason. I’ve known you long enough to know that’s bullshit.” 

He rolls his eyes. “You don’t though.” 

“Don’t what?” Ryan asks. 

“You don’t fucking know me, at all. Just, leave me alone.”

He hears him trying to catch up and feels a hand on his shoulder. “Shane, come on,” He pleads. 

He doesn’t say a word. 

“Fine. Be like that, then.” He walks away. 

The animosity between them is obvious to everyone in English. Sure, it’s normal for them  _ outside  _ the class but never in it. Even Mr. Brey does a double-take when he sees the seats next to both of them are empty. They keep their hands down, their eyes never meet although Shane keeps stealing glances and suspects Ryan of doing the same, and they pick different partners when asked to pair off. It’s hurting Shane just to think about and he’s not even sure why. 

It never bothers him when they do it outside of English, never. So why all of the sudden is a fight between them making his stomach ache? 


	2. Damn Guilty Conscience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We’re apologizing to each other, Shane. When have we ever done that in the like...years that we’ve hated each other?” 
> 
> “Fair point, yes. I would counter though, I don’t think we will ever stop hating each other. This,” He gestures between them, “Is simply us agreeing to be civil.” 
> 
> “Ah, well, we are teammates now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u guys remember that episode of wizards of waverly place where max's conscience was like its own person that was attached to max or whatever? no just me? ok cool.

_ November 27, 2019  _

_ Hey, weird journal thing. It’s me, Shane. So, I’ve been thinking about a lot because there’s just so much that I’m feeling and can’t really understand all of it fully. Maybe if I throw it all at a page in this mostly empty notebook I’ll be okay. I’m sure I’ll be okay. Mom seems ok. Dad seems ok. They’re the ones actually getting divorced. I just don’t understand why I mean they were happy, weren’t they? Did they just wait until I was asleep to fight or did they never yell or did they one of them have a secret affair? I just wish that one of them would sit me down and explain why. Why the hell is this happening to me? Maybe it’s my fault. That’s why they don’t want to tell me the reason because the reason is me. I fucked up their marriage and now they’re getting divorced.  _

The first day of tryouts is today. He’s trying to be excited. His dad went out and bought him new shorts and shirts and a nice pair of shoes. But it’s not there. He mostly has been faking it for his dad’s sake and Ryan’s annoyance. The tryouts are right after school today so he makes it a point to talk about them when he knows he’s in earshot. It’s low and not usually how he likes to play it but he digresses. 

Coach Panio is a legend amongst the town. (Hey, it’s small what do you expect?) He led their varsity team to states not once, not twice but three times in the five years he’s been coaching for them. It’s hard to get on the team in the first place and anyone who is gaining an almost instant boost in popularity and subsequent confidence that comes with having girls on your dick all the time. Both literally and figuratively. 

When Shane’s changed and ready he heads into the gym. 30 boys are sitting on the bleachers in front of Coach Panio, all looking equally nervous and excited. Shane’s poker face, however, is much better. He makes it a point to smile at the coach before taking his seat near the back. Ryan comes out not a minute later, laughing and joking with some of the guys before giving Panio a quick handshake and taking his seat next to Shane. “You ready for this, Big guy?” 

“Born ready, Little guy.” 

Coach Panio introduces himself and his stats, as if everyone didn’t already know, and commends them on their courage. Then, he tells them what they’re about to be made to do. The excitement has been extinguished in every person but Ryan and Shane. 

A few rounds of suicides, coupled with burpees, crab walks and two/three drills await. 

It starts out easy enough. Shane does track so the sprints don’t take that big a toll. Despite his skinny nature, he’s mastered the push-up enough to do multiple complete ones and get the burpees over with. The crab walks leave him with a slight burn in his core, legs, and arms. But the easiest thing by far is the two/three drills. They’re simple, you take a basketball and take two steps forward, three steps back. It’s meant to trick out an opponent and give yourself enough time to get around them and shoot or pass. 

And then they do that cycle another four times. 

By the end of it, his entire body hurts. But he keeps going and sprinting and running and jumping because he needs this. He needs to make this team. Whether that’s for himself or for his dad or to spite Ryan, he can’t tell. 

_ November 29, 2019  _

_ I MADE THE TEAM! I did it. I really did it. Coach sent me an email this morning. Practice starts on Monday and I am more than thrilled. It’s just so crazy to me that I made the basketball team. Ryan did too. He texted me this morning asking if I did and I just ignored it. I mean, the absolute nerve on that guy. I should text him back though. We are teammates now after all. Sad to say I’ll be spending the whole winter season with him. But whatever. I’m on one of the best teams in my whole state. That boy is the least of my worries.  _

Monday, when they come back from school, kicks off practices. It finally hits him then, that, well fuck, he’s really meant to spend hours after school doing this until March when the season ends, huh? 

At least he’s partially friends with just about everyone on the team and will, no doubt, only get closer to them as the weeks progress. Scotty, his older brother, is only slightly annoyed he made the team but he can tell that it’s mostly for laughs. He’s been close to his brother since he started high school. They’ve got more in common now and less time to really argue. Especially with Scotty being in his junior year and too stressed about the SATs and AP exams to even care about his brother taking his laptop charger on the off chance Shane can’t find his own. 

Ryan and Shane are the only two sophomores on varsity. Although, Ryan has the reputation to back him up. He played for JV as a seventh-grader, was team captain as an eighth-grader and last year he helped bring the team to a win against their arch-rival who they haven’t beat in fifteen years. In short, he’s fucking good. Shane, on the other hand, has never played basketball before this. He’s 6’4 though, moderate ball control and is working harder than he ever has. He has to start building that reputation somehow. 

All of Scotty’s friends already know Shane from team sleepovers at their house where he ended up kicking their asses in Smash. Which means, they invite him out to hang out at the small diner in town after practice. A sort of, “Congrats, you made the team,” for the guys to come together and get excited for hopefully another state championship to put under their belt. They don’t know Ryan so, he’s not so lucky. 

And, Shane gets a slight pang on guilt when he sees his face fall as they all walk out together. 

It’d be so easy really to shoot him a quick, “Hey, wanna come with?” But Shane holds his ground. He does give him a smile that all but tells on him and his conscience. Ryan’s a tough guy, he’ll be fine. I mean, sure, it can’t be easy going from top dog on JV to a near nobody on varsity but he’s got time to prove he deserves his spot. Like, really deserves it. Shane just can tell. So, yeah, no more worrying about Ryan for tonight. He wants to have fun and rejoice in the fact that he actually made the team. 

The diner is a quaint thing in the heart of town. Black and white pictures cover the walls, most of the town’s past accomplishments and people that deserve to be praised. Coach Panio and last year’s team scored themselves a picture above one of the bigger booths. Therefore making it  _ their  _ booth. It’s cramped. But in a cozy way, he supposes. 

There’s still jukeboxes at the tables and one of the guys hands him a quarter. He finds a random song and is delighted when it starts to play. It’s got this catchy guitar riff and that classic 80s synth-pop vibe but he can’t quite place a name to the sound. The music is easy to nod ur head along to while keeping up a conversation with a couple of the guys, his new teammates. 

They order three of these plates of fries, one with cheese and bacon bits. Shane absolutely devours it. He’s starving after those workouts and it’s only the first real day. No, he cannot believe it either. He’s idling sipping on his Coke when he sees Ryan walk in with his parents and brother. 

Fuck. 

He gets out and walks over to Ryan. His mom and dad were getting a table, he guessed, while he and Jake stayed waiting. “Hey, man.” 

“Hi,” Ryan says, disinterested. 

“Hey, Shane!” Jake all but yells. 

He pats his head. “Jake, how are you?” 

“He’s fine, Shane. What are you doing here?” He stops Shane before he can answer. “I mean, like, over here talking to me. Shouldn’t you be bonding with the team?” His words are coated in bitterness and hurt. 

“Yeah...I just…” 

Ryan’s parents come back over and tell the boys they got a table. He walks with them, not even a goodbye. And, yeah, it’s deserved. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less. He hopes that won’t become a pattern. 

_ December 2, 2019  _

_ Hey weird journal thing. How are you today? Oh me, I’m fan fucking tastic. Thanks for asking. It isn’t my fault that they asked me and not Ryan to hang out right? I mean, I’m Scotty’s brother it only makes sense that they would let me come along. Maybe I could’ve asked if he could come too. But it’s the first day. Rather not rock the boat or anything. Or something like that. I feel horrible for some reason. Why all the sudden have I forgotten how to act around Ryan? I’ve known this pompous ass since I was 5 and now I can’t even hate him correctly or without feeling bad about it. Maybe I don’t hate Ryan anymore. Huh.  _

He gets out of bed somehow the next morning. Despite the pain and soreness in his calves and thighs and arms and feet. Everywhere, basically. His room is a mess and desperately needs a cleaning but the second he even thinks about it his back starts to ache. It’ll have to wait until this pain subsides and his body decides to chill and just deal with it. He manages to find a clean pair of jeans in the pile of dirty clothes and a hoodie with no stains (score!) Scotty barges into his room and yells at him to hurry up so they can leave. He rolls his eyes. It’s not his fault his freak of a brother always needed to get to school 30 minutes before anyone else. Why? Shane doesn’t know and his groggy state doesn’t care. 

He finds a table in the library to study at. First block is Spanish and he has a test on...what the hell does is this test on?...well, he has the test on something. His notebook and packet and worksheets are all over the table at this point and he’s going over every rule that comes with conjugating and grammar. He cares  _ so  _ much about them all. 

The truth is, he doesn’t care about the material. All he cares about is that he gets a high mark. High marks mean high chance of getting into Columbia University. And that is what he does care about. 

His peaceful early morning study session is interrupting by Ryan. He sets his bag down in one of the chairs and sits across from Shane. “Hi.” 

“Hey?” Shane takes out one of his earbuds. 

“So, I should, um, apologize.” 

“What? No. Why?” 

“It wasn’t fair of me to get all...snippy, just because they asked you to go with them after practice. Scott’s your brother and their teammate. I’m just a random sophomore that is in way over his head.” 

“Ry, you’re like better than me like tenfold.” Ryan laughs. “I mean it. I could’ve at least asked if you could tag along. So, um, I’m sorry too.” 

He smiles. “I think this is a first.” 

Shane reciprocates. “What is?” 

“We’re  _ apologizing  _ to each other, Shane. When have we ever done that in the like years that we’ve hated each other?” 

“Fair point, yes. I would counter though, I don’t think we will ever stop hating each other. This,” He gestures between them, “Is simply us agreeing to be civil.” 

“Ah, well, we are teammates now.” 

“Yes, teammates.” 

A silence falls over them until they’re saved by the bell. “Alright, I’ve got to go.” 

“See you later, shortstack.” 

“Fuck off, beanpole.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiiiiii ok i love this story but procrastinated this chapter so hard...but now i feel so accomplished for finishing it. thats a lesson i should most def learn from but knowing me wont. lol...hope u all had a wonderful thanksgiving. yesterday was my dads birthday (yes it fell on black friday and he was pissed lol) so i mostly spent the day watching the mandalorian with him lmao baby yoda is the CUTEST!!!!!!!!!! but now i have to see my nonna for thanksgiving round 2 :((((((((((((((((((((( fml ok hope u all enjoyed this chapter. this paragraph was just to rant sooooo sorry.


	3. Insatiable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (6:28 pm) Shane Madej: You can ride with me. No need to wait. 
> 
> (6:32 pm) Ryan Bergara: rly?? i mean u dont have to but if u can id be forver in ur debt
> 
> (6:33 pm) Shane Madej: That’s what teammates are for. I’ll clear it with Scotty though. 
> 
> He knows Scotty won’t care but he wants to make Ryan sweat a little. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i should probs say this-- 
> 
> i dont ship ryan and shane the real people. i simply use their names and certain aspects of their on screen personalities to create stories that i want other people to enjoy. it is not intended to bash or belittle sara or marielle, i love both of them and their relationship. i think abt like theyre sorta just potraying the internet versions of themselves and thats who im writing about. 
> 
> so uh .... yeah hope thats cool.

_ December 5, 2019  _

_ Hi journal thing. Today was interesting to say the least. Coach told us for the game in a couple weeks that only one of us can be put in. And I mean it obviously has to be me. I’m better than him in like every way. I just have to show coach that I guess. I’m sure he’ll see. Ryan’s too short to see it. Ugh I know short jokes are getting old but that little guy has been on my last nerve lately. I mean what kind of douchebag puts your bag into a locker while you aren’t looking and refuses to open it. He’s lucky the stupid gym teacher was on his game his day or else I would’ve had to put that asshole in the locker. See if he’d be laughing then.  _

The first week of practice was almost over. Shane can hardly believe he’s survived it. He isn’t sure if he’s more or less sore than he was at the beginning. What he is definitely sure of is that Ryan has only got increasingly more frustrating to deal with. True to his word, he asked if he wanted to go back to Shane’s for a bit and hang out. Ryan said no. So, that was pointless. 

Shane has no clue what his deal is. He was upset when he didn’t ask but turned him down when he did. Whatever Ryan’s game is, Shane doesn’t want to play. The only game he’s focused on is basketball and securing some playtime in their first game. It’s his chance to prove to Coach, and himself, that he’s worthy of being on this team. He’s good enough to play more and be a big part of the team. That’s why he needs that coveted spot. Not for some juvenile rivalry or to impress his parents and prove to them that he’s just as good as Scotty. Ok, partly those other things. But mostly proving himself to Coach. 

His parent’s divorce was getting finalized this Saturday. They sat down with him and Scotty, explaining that they still loved them and each other but would be happier apart. Shane’s friends had tried to be supportive and cheer him up. Sara tried to bring up the whole double Christmas thing but it fell on deaf ears. He can’t even imagine not having a Christmas without his mom or dad there. It wouldn’t be. It would be an imitation of a time where they were happier. Before his mom started working again and his dad began working overtime more often. Before everything became so fuzzy and jumbled and...empty feeling. The smiles were fake and so were the laughs. It was all an act, he was starting to realize. These last few months, his parents weren’t themselves. They were a damn good imitation of their past selves. 

His dad had found an apartment around 10 minutes away and gave his mom the house. He remembers when they bought the house. He and Scotty  _ hated  _ sharing a room. They’d throw stuffed toys at each other and shove each other to get to the ladder first. The top bunk was just so much comfier than the bottom. Really they were the same, they both just loved to look at the stars on the ceiling. But saying the bed was comfier seemed manlier...somehow. 

When his mom started working again, they decided to buy a new house. One that was bigger and beautiful. But most importantly, one that had 3 bedrooms. They spent what felt like forever searching for the perfect one until they found it. It wasn’t anything special. An older home with white siding and green shudders. Shane’s favorite part was his bedroom, it was originally a pastel (ish) orange but his parents let them pick out a new color to paint it. He picked white. 

They didn’t move towns or anything but Shane still felt like a new kid. He was 11 at the time and middle school would be starting in a couple of months, he realizes now it was just puberty. But at the time he attributed it to the move. Maybe it was the catalyst to all the changes over those months. He started finding himself and his place. His love of history and passion for video making beginning to rear their beautiful heads to the forefront of his mind. He and Scotty even had a little “studio” in the basement because they had one of those now. They’d set up their action figures and film them and then Shane would spend hours editing it all together and adding a voiceover and text. They’re saved onto a flash drive somewhere and every time he watches them, he’s back there. In the basement. Filming dumb movies with his brother. 

And he’s reminded of how great everything used to be. 

But he can’t think about that right now. He’s got so much on his plate already, what with basketball and school and his parent’s whole...situation. He’s started just putting all his frustration into the game. Anytime he’s upset or starting to get upset about his parents or a certain concept in bio (that bitch of a subject,) he goes and shoots at the hoop in the driveway until he starts to feel better. Or at least calms down. 

He gets a text from Ryan. 

**(6:17 pm) Ryan Bergara:** hey do u know when prctice is supposed to get over tmrw??????

**(6:19 pm) Shane Madej:** No clue. Probably normal time. Why? 

He doesn’t get a text back for a while so he decides to get back to shooting. He makes a couple, misses a couple. Then he checks his phone again. Still nothing. Great, Ryan’s just going to be Ryan and…

His phone chimes. 

**(6:27 pm) Ryan Bergara:** my mom decided she didn’t wanna deal w picking me up so my dad is instead but he gets out of work late on fri so he needed to know how long id be waiting for. 

**(6:28 pm) Shane Madej:** You can ride with me. No need to wait. 

**(6:32 pm) Ryan Bergara:** rly?? i mean u dont have to but if u can id be forver in ur debt

**(6:33 pm) Shane Madej:** That’s what teammates are for. I’ll clear it with Scotty though. 

He knows Scotty won’t care but he wants to make Ryan sweat a little. 

Ryan doesn’t text back for a while but it doesn’t stop Shane from checking his phone. The December chill starts to seep into his bones and he decides to go back in. It’s warm and cozy inside. Scotty comes downstairs when the door closes. “You’re not mom.” 

“I am not mom, Scotty. Glad you finally caught on,” He jokes. 

“Fuck off, she’s bringing home Chipotle and I’m starving.” 

He points to the pantry on his left. “There is food in there, y’know.” 

“But...Chipotle,” Scotty replies. 

Shane gets it. 

“Oh, uh, you don’t mind driving Ryan home tomorrow, right?” 

“Pip! Of course not, I love that kid.” 

“Pip?” 

Scotty laughs, “Yeah, that’s what we’ve started calling him. Kid’s fucking hilarious though.” 

“He’s the same age as me, dumbass.” 

“Fuck. He’s really not a freshman?” 

“Nope.” 

They both hear the doorknob start to turn and their mom’s keys and stop their conversation there. She’s got her purse on one arm and a Chiptole bag in the other. They both grab at the bag until his mom starts swatting them away. She groans something about letting her settle in. 

His body was tired and hungry. And the food. Oh, God, the food smelled amazing. His mom finally sets it down and they instantly fight to get their food out first. Scotty shoves him away and grabs his winnings. They’re being childish, according to his mom, but he doesn’t care. At all. The only thing on his mind is the burrito bowl buried at the bottom of the bag. 

He practically rips the damn cover off, taking a seat next to Scotty at the island. “Ma, where’s the guac?” Scotty asks. 

“In the bag,” She yells back. 

They tug the small plastic container and Shane wins this time. He takes his fork and scoops some into his bowl. And then his phone buzzes in his pocket. And he tries to ignore it. Really, he did. But before he can stop himself he takes it out of his sweatpants and gets disappointed when it’s not a text from Ryan. Instead, it’s Sara. Asking him about their dumb science presentation. He sets his phone back down and starts to eat. 

And it buzzes again. This time it’s face up and he can clearly see it’s, again, not Ryan. He continues scarfing down his meal like it’ll be his last. Scotty turns to him. “Hey, dude, I, uh, have something to tell you.” 

“Oh?” 

He sighs. “Dad called me today at like noon. Drunk. He started telling me a bunch of stuff about the whole... _ situation _ .” 

“Oh,” Shane repeats.

“Yeah. Um, mostly that he and mom have been fighting since they got married but wanted to keep it from us. Give us a good childhood or whatever. I mean...they were just...unhappy. But instead of divorcing when we were kids they waited till we could, I don’t know, handle it better?” 

“They deserve fucking Oscars.” Shane rolls his eyes. “I never would’ve guessed, y’know, they always seemed so…” 

“Happy.” They say in unison. 

It feels like an agreement between them. An agreement that no matter what happens, they have each other. And their memories. The movies, the Christmasses, the birthdays, the vacations. No divorce can take those from them. Future ones? Sure. But the past is the past, and you can’t change the past. No matter how much you want to. The only thing you can do with the past is to learn from it. 

He finishes up, cleaning the rice up and throwing out his empty bowl. “Scott?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks.” 

Scotty nods and heads back upstairs. 

His phone buzzes on the island. It’s Ryan. 

**(8:01 pm) Ryan Bergara:** thank u sm shane i owe u n scott frfr

**(8:02 pm) Shane Madej:** It’s nothing, Pip. 

**(8:04 pm) Ryan Bergara:** u txt like my abuelo also dont call me that only ur brother n his buds can do that meanie :((((((((((9

**(8:04 pm) Ryan Bergara:** nine was an accident,,,,i still mean it u r a big meanie 

**(8:05 pm) Shane Madej:** You text like a teenage girl. We even? 

**(8:05 pm) Pip:** yes grandpa cya tmrw 

He sets his phone down and starts the dishes. His mom gives his squeeze on his shoulder and thanks him. She goes upstairs, too. Shane stares out the kitchen window at their backyard. There’s snow beginning to fall and it looks really pretty contrasted with the dark wood of the steps up to the pool. The sun’s already down but the light outside starts to shimmer on the fresh snow. He takes it all in. 

The snow, the shimmer, the feeling of content resting in his stomach. 

It’s the most at peace he’s been in months. The constant stream of water is background music for his thoughts. He thinks about just about everything that’s been bugging him as of late. And it’s nice. Sort of relief to try and organize his thoughts, categorizing and prioritizing. He’s trying to figure out what the root of all the issues is but it could be any number of things. Not everything is black and white. It’s all...gray. 

He finished up the last of the dishes and stared for a bit longer before heading up to his room. His phone is close to dead and so is he. By the time he’s in bed, his homework is long forgotten. And his stupid thoughts start up again. About the divorce, about Ryan, about college, about his brother. He’s really going to miss Scotty when he goes off to college. It’s not like he’ll be far behind but at the moment, his brother is his anchor. 

They get along much better than they ever did as kids. Less to fight about, more in common. Yada yada. He’ll miss talking to him in the car ride to and from school the most, though. It’s like Shane’s therapy session. Scotty sits their, nodding or “mhmm”-ing while he gets out everything that has been on his mind. Sometimes he offers advice, other times he lets him vent. Scotty will tell him anything going on his mind, too. It’s nice to talk to him. To someone. 

He forces his eyes shut. Begging his mind to shut up for once and let him get some rest. It wasn’t late but it would be if he kept thinking. He forgets to journal but it’s the farthest thing from his mind as his eyes finally shut for good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chap was gna be way too long if i kept going...sorry for the lack of like ryan and shane in this ig lol. its mostly just scotty and shanes relationship bc id like to explore that kind of brother dynamic. also bc baskets and bards is a huge inspo for this fic and i adore jake and ryans relationship it that so i decided to try and do the reverse if u feel me? 
> 
> ok ok next one should be out soon


	4. That Unnerving Moment of Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a weird air around them. They’re tired and sweaty and although they may have come to an agreement, it doesn’t feel like it. There’s this dull animosity between them that isn’t overwhelming but it’s just enough to make the silence uncomfortable. 
> 
> Ryan looks over at him as though he’s going to say something. Shane can tell he wants to. But it doesn’t. Their eyes meet quickly before Shane drops it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah so good news, i had a panic attack on fri and i think now ive stopped shaking from it. seriously...not fun. 
> 
> but inspo struck for most of this chapter at 3am on a school night so everyone say thank u to me for not giving a single fuck about my sleep schedule. but i do give a lot of fucks abt this story. es mi bambinoooooo.

It feels almost like a blink. One second he’s gaining every bit of energy he has left to scold his brain for its incessant rambling, the next his alarm is blaring. Sunshine leaks in through the small gaps in his curtains and he feels...rested. 

Maybe all he needed was a good night’s sleep. He hopes so, at least. 

He’s up before he usually is and has some time to kill. He combs his hair, finds a clean hoodie he rarely wears, even puts on Chinos instead of shorts (yes, even in winter.) Makes breakfast for himself, Scotty and his mom. They accept the scrambled eggs gratefully, even if his mom gave him a look of confusion for why exactly he’s making breakfast when he normally doesn’t get up early enough to find a clean pair of pants. He’s happy, sue him. (Actually, don’t do that, he’s already going to be in enough debt from student loans, don’t need to add legal fees to the mix.)

Scotty pulls into his usual spot. “Dude, you sure you ok?” 

He shakes his head. “I’m fine. In a good mood for once, don’t ruin it.” 

He puts his hands up and twirls his lanyard. “Aye man just seemed weird. I do care about you, you know.” 

“Yeah, Scotty. I know.” He bumps his brother’s shoulders and they head inside. 

He’s barely in the lobby when Sara basically tackles him. She pushes him and shakes her head. He goes through every possible thing he’s ever done wrong. Sara feels like his mom but somehow even scarier. 

She may be small but boy is she a force to be reckoned with. 

Her hair is a completely different color than it had been yesterday when he saw her. Not sure if he should comment on that right now though. She’s got this angry pout on that conveys just how disappointed she is. Shane’s trying, really he is, to figure out what he did (or more likely didn’t) do to make her face contort like that. She’s looking up at him and Scotty gives him a pat on the back. A bit of silent good luck to help him through it. 

“Hi, Sara. Always a pleasure.” She just stares at him, angry pout and all. “What’s up, you?” He boops her nose and hopes it calms her down. 

It does not. 

“Shane! The science presentation!” 

“What presentation?”

She rolls her eyes. “The one I texted you about, about 50 fucking times last night.” 

“Ah. I didn’t see them.” Shane was...preoccupied with other _things._

She starts walking down the main hall towards the stairwell. “Well, I did it all. So, you’re fucking welcome.” 

“Sara,” He grabs her elbow. “I’m really sorry. Can I do anything to help?” 

“Don’t fuck up in class so I get all the points that me and me alone have earned.” 

“You got it, boss.” 

She heads up the steps and Shane can only shake his head. He can’t believe himself right now. How did he just forget to do it? Why was Ryan so present in his mind? Speak of the devil. 

As he turns around to head to Spanish, he bumps into Ryan. Not on purpose, though some part of him wishes it had been, he scoffs and keeps going. No more time or space in his thoughts for that guy. His actual friends were more important. He’s just got to get through class and practice with him and that’s it. Dust off the dirt and forget he exists until the next day. Shouldn’t be too hard. Right?

Ryan comes up to him in English and thanks to him again for giving him a ride today. He says Scotty’s the one to be thanking. And that’s that. The rest of the time is spent silently just reading through short stories, pulling out settings and themes and tones. Not much time for conversation when you’ve got a stack of paper on your desk to get through. Shane isn’t complaining though. 

Gym is like every other gym class. Try-hard Bergara goes full try-hard. He wins. He gloats. Shane wants to punch his stupid cute little smile. Wait. Did he just…? Nope. Not touching that. 

The rest of his day is average at best but he isn’t exactly complaining about that. Practice is just as average if not more so. Scotty tells him to wait for a bit while he goes to change and it’s just him and Ryan in the gym. 

There’s a weird air around them. They’re tired and sweaty and although they may have come to an agreement, it doesn’t feel like it. There’s this dull animosity between them that isn’t overwhelming but it’s just enough to make the silence uncomfortable. It brings him back to freshmen year, after they had agreed to play nice but all bets were off once they saw each other in the hall. No seriously, people had bets on how long until they'd start fighting again. Sara reeped the biggest reward out of everyone, $50 bucks on 5 minutes. They were predictable. 

Ryan looks over at him as though he’s going to say something. Shane can tell he wants to. But it doesn’t. Their eyes meet quickly before Shane drops it. “Are you nervous?” 

“For…” Shane responds. 

“Our first game.” 

“Nope,” He says. “I’ll be the breakout star of the team. Have everyone chanting my name. A real child prodigy, if u ask me.” 

“You really think Coach is choosing you?” 

“Well, yeah, duh.” 

Ryan laughs. “Of course you do, dickhead.” 

“What? You think you’re better than me?” He gets up from where he’s sitting. 

He follows suit. “I know I am.” 

The tension between them is thick enough to cut with a knife. Shane can feel a heat start to rise on his cheeks and neck, one distinct enough to decidedly not be from the workout today. He wants to say something but his tongue is caught on his throat. Ryan’s face is just waiting for a reply. Truth is, he’s got no clue what to say. So he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. “Fine, let’s play a friendly game of one vers one. Settle this once and for all.” 

He holds out his hand. “You’re on.” 

Shane shakes it. “Right now? Or do you want to wait and play at my hoop?” 

“Trying to take me to your turf, Madej?” 

“You know it, baby.” 

Ryan winces. “Don’t call me baby.” 

“Fine...baby,” Shane says. 

He rolls his eyes. “Sure. Your house is fine, big guy.” 

Scotty comes out a bit later and tells them to hurry up. 

The car ride is weird, to say the least. They don’t exactly have a lot to say and every time Scotty tries to start up a conversation they start to argue over it. At a certain point, his brother sort of...gives up. 

They get back to their house and drop their bags inside, grab some water and head right back out. The sun is virtually gone but the streetlights give just enough light to see what they’re doing. Shane agrees to let Ryan have the ball first since they’re at his “turf” as he had called it. 

Shane gets the ball from him and is so close to making it he can feel the anger radiating from Ryan. He gets it and races to get to the other side of him so he can make a left-handed lay-up, Ryan’s specialty. Shane turns and blocks him, the ball going out of the blacktop and into the grass.

They race for it but Shane trips, taking Ryan with him. He falls with Ryan on top of him, their faces uncomfortably close. And, he’s frozen. They just stay in that position, staring, as they start to move closer and closer. So close to the satisfying pressure of lips on lips. The release of a decade's long tension finally culminating into this fucking kiss.

Then he hears a car.

It effectively snaps them out of it. He gets out from under Ryan and brushes himself off. A blush creeping so far up his face and neck it reaches his ears. Ryan's got the same flushed look. They can barely look at each other. The feeling just sort of lingers between them. The car pulls up to the curb. Ryan waves. “Um, that’s my dad. I’m gonna…” He licks his lips. “I’m just gonna go.” 

“Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

Oh fuck. He likes Ryan Bergara. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehhehehe


	5. From 0 to 100

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything about his life has been changing recently. From his parent’s to staying after for practice every day to Ryan. He’s not fond of change, doubts any sane person would be, but all things considered, not that bad. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is about fifty words shy of 3000 and normally i write from 1500-2000 word chapters so i sorta surprised myself with how long this one came out. debated splitting it but it felt more coherent put together so decided to leave it as a bit longer. let me know how u enjoy this length, like should i be even longer or did u like how they were before? feedback would be nice, thank u!

They don’t talk about it. The weekend passes, not so much as a text. The week begins, they don’t say a word to each other. Not even to argue about something. The only thing they’ve said is call-outs in practice and even then they avoid doing it at all costs. Coach, he suspects, has caught on to the whole thing. 

Coach is a great guy. He’s firm yet fair and always gives praise when it’s needed. He’s smart and clever with a keen eye. He can spot a wrong move from across the room. Get to the bottom of why you can’t make a layup or why you keep passing it to someone who is being guarded by three guys instead of the person that’s wide open and closer to the hoop. 

He calls both of them over at the end of practice on Wednesday. 

“Bergara, Little Madej. Let’s have a chat,” He says, stern as ever. 

Shane’s sure this is about who’s playing in the first game but the sigh he takes beforehand gives him away. This isn’t going to be easy for him to say. And if there’s one thing Coach hates, it’s feelings. “What’s up, Coach?” Ryan asks. 

“I feel,” He almost winces. “Well, if you guys are going to be on this team. You need to be more...open.” 

“Open?” 

Coach pinches the bridge of his nose, his glasses lifting a bit as he does. “Yes. Open. With your thoughts and feelings about, um, each other.” Ryan and Shane share a look. The events of Friday evening flashing before them. 

“Coach, I just, don’t...follow,” He says. 

“Well, it’s clear to me that you have your differences. My understanding is that you guys have never really got along but, news flash boys, you’re on a team. I don’t intend on jeopardizing a game because you couldn’t get along.” 

Shane puts his head down. “Yes, Coach.” 

Coach nods, getting up. “Alright then. Tomorrow I better see improvement or  _ neither  _ of you are playing in that game.” 

They sit together for a bit as he leaves. Shane chances a look Ryan’s way. He meets his eyes. It’s silent for a moment in the gym, the team in the locker room and Coach heading to his car. They need to say something about it. It was eating Shane up inside, especially his...revelation. He doesn’t know where to start. “Hey.” That works. 

“Hi,” He responds. 

“Ryan, I--” He interrupts. 

“Shane, please. Let’s just agree to be nice on the court. No need to talk outside of that, right?” 

“No,” He says. 

If he’s honest, he hasn’t any clue why he said that. It was a knee-jerk response to it. He doesn’t want to not talk to him. He doesn’t. Shane wants to be his friend. Wanting that is weird and foreign but also comforting in a weird way. He sort of realizes, holding onto this feud was all because it was normal. His life is turning upside down, he wanted to hold onto the one thing that wasn't. An anchor in a rough sea. 

He goes to stand up and leave but a hand grasps his forearm. “Shane...What do you mean ‘no’?” 

Some part of him wants to rip his arm from Ryan, another part wants to lean down and kiss his stupid face. Weird. “I mean that I don’t want to not talk to you. I want to be friends. Clear whatever this whole dumb thing is.” 

“I--…” His voice got low and he whispered, “You’re right.” 

“Always am, baby.” He gets up and points at himself arrogantly. 

Ryan only manages to roll his eyes and something that resembles a blush comes over him. “Shut up, Shane.” 

“11 years, dude, 11 fucking years we went on hating each other because, uh...Um, I have no clue.” 

He starts to walk towards the locker room. “It was something stupid like I took your--” 

“Lunchbox.” They say in unison. 

He looks over at Ryan and laughs. This time, he thinks, maybe they actually will be friends. There was a shift in the air around them that never happened with the previous tries. It’s lighter. Evident by their tone and laughs. He’s ready now, and so is Ryan, to put this behind them. Once and for all. 

They are, for what feels like the first time ever, on the same page. 

_ December 11, 2019  _

_ Hey journal. Been a while. I’ve missed your company. But I’m afraid to say I am friends with Ryan Bergara. Also think I might have a teeny tiny crush but maybe it was just something else. Like I thought my friendship wanting feelings were kissing wanting feelings. I’m going crazy. Its Ryan! Of course I don’t like him like that. I don’t even think I like boys like that. I mean sure I kinda really wanted to kiss him but that’s like besides the point. Misattribution and all that probably. Not yknow I don’t know. I never really liked girls either. Never wanted to kiss girls. But besides him I can’t think of any other dude I’ve like felt like that about. I’m too tired to think about this and go through whatever the fuck this is. Night, journal. Till next crisis. _

He sets his journal down on to the floor by his bed and opens his laptop. Typing into the search bar he looks up something he hasn’t dared to search before. “Am I gay quiz?” It feels wrong but right at the same time. The natural progress to realizing you can’t remember ever having a crush on a girl but can remember how much you wish his dad hadn’t come so early. Sure he always found the weird tingling he got in the men’s underwear section was, well, weird but he brushed it off. He never let himself get hung up on that stuff. It’s all confusing and makes his head spin. 

The quiz tells him he’s straight. 

Then he realizes for every question, he picked the answer that sounded the most hetero, not the one the true one. A wave of guilt for lying, to himself and this dumb internet quiz, washes over him and he’s crushed under the weight of it. That realization collapses over him. It clicks. He’s gay. Gay. And Ryan “the Asshole” Bergara was the idiot that made him admit it. The nerve on that weirdly attractive guy to make him question reality so hard he comes out to himself. 

He closes his laptop. Attempts to close his eyes and gets comfy but thoughts begin to race. They run and run and run until he’s ready to put a pillow to his ear to shut up the thoughts inside his head because he desperately needs it to stop. It won’t, he knows, so he grabs his phone. The light blinds him at first but he turns down its brightness and clicks onto Spotify. Finding the first playlist meant for sleep, he presses play and tries to focus on it. The lyrics, the instruments, the beat. It’s calming and he’s lulled into sleep. 

That morning is much different than his previous one. When he wakes up, he’s ready to punch his phone to get it to shut up and he’s going to be late. He finds what he needs and is ready to be out the door in 5 minutes. “No breakfast?” Scotty quips as they’re getting into his car. 

“Fuck no,” He deadpans. 

Shane sits quiet, one earbud in, staring out at the trees and houses as they go by. There’s a light fog, his absolute favorite. He can only admire how it covers everything and gives it a spooky yet serene vibe. His town is by no means the best one there is but it sure has its moments of beauty. Even in the most ordinary of things like houses and trees. He feels calm and at peace again. Letting his head rest against the window. They hit the speedbump before the parking lot right as Shane lets his eyes close and the loud laugh that Scotty lets out is enough to make him laugh it off too. 

He has no clue what this whole friends thing is going to mean. It’s change. He doesn’t fucking like change. But, he knows he has to. It’s apart of his journey. Whether he likes it or not. 

The locker room is empty when they get there and he throws his bag in its usual corner. He bends down to grab the pack of gum from it before leaving when someone clears their throat. He’s almost certain he jumps a foot off the ground. A hand over his now racing heart, he sees Ryan. Sitting on the bench, innocent as ever, playing on his phone. He’s fighting back laughter but there’s a tight-lipped smirk on his face.

“Fuck you, dude,” Shane says. 

He can’t contain his laughter anymore, “Didn’t realize you were so...jumpy.” 

“I am not  _ jumpy.  _ You just...startled....me.” 

“Right, yeah, for sure.” He smiles. “Let’s go.” 

They end up walking out towards the door, bumping shoulders like they usually did. It feels like the start of something new and exciting and great. Because he’d always had those kinds of moments with him. He’d smile a little brighter that day and just put it into the collection of times he actually liked Ryan. But now, almost every moment is one of those. The box is close to overflowing and he’s happy about that. 

Everything about his life has been changing recently. From his parent’s to staying after for practice every day to Ryan. He’s not fond of change, doubts any sane person would be, but all things considered, not that bad. 

Of course, things don’t go from 0 to 100 with Ryan. There is no way you can go from hating someone one day to being best friends another. But they don’t mind walking together to gym and English or to lunch. They’re not avoiding each other but not actively seeking out time to be with each other. Well, he doesn’t think Ryan is but, honestly, he sort of has been. They missed out on so much time being friends. And last night’s  _ revelation _ . But he tries not to make it obvious. 

He’s just barely come out to himself but there’s this growing weight on his shoulders. And he knows that Scotty and his mom will still love him the same. But other high schoolers? Well, that’s a bit harder to predict. Sure, they might accept him and protect him from the one or two assholes who don’t. But that’s a best-case scenario. More likely, he loses a bunch of friends. Maybe he loses Ryan. He just got him, he can’t fuck that all up because he’s gay. 

Scotty comes over to him at lunch. “Hey, stupid. Come sit with us.” 

He rolls his eyes and goes over. They left him a spot next to his brother and what he guesses is just an empty spot. A conversation starts up and he stays relatively quiet. His brother starts on some story from a family vacation back when he was around 12. He slaps him. “Scott Finn Madej, I will end you. Do not.” 

“Do not, what?” He hears as Ryan sits next to him. 

“Nothing.” He answers quickly. 

A couple of other guys come over and squeeze in, pushing him and Ryan even closer. Their knees are touching and if it weren’t for some significant self-awareness and restraint, their thighs would be too. It’s a lot to focus on. Scotty starts the story again and he almost gets to the punchline when he slaps him again. “ _ Scotty,”  _ He says, his voice is relatively normal if not for the rush to get it out before he could keep going or break free. 

“Fine, fine.” He pushes against Shane.

His thigh pressed against Ryan’s. And fuck fuck fuck fuck. He can’t be too obvious and jerk his leg away but he can’t leave it too long. Shit, it’s been there a while. He wills himself to focus. But then Ryan starts laughing and it’s so distracting he leaves his leg there. 

Instead, he focuses on whatever James is saying. It works. Until it doesn’t. Again, he’s right in his own head. He tries to seem unaffected but he’s struggling there. Ryan’s as unbothered as ever, nodding his head and laughing. Shane looks over at him, smiles and cracks a joke. He throws his head back laughing at it, clapping his hands and adding to it. He manages to relax and enjoy the company. 

The whistle almost bursts his ears and they head back to class. He tries not to be too obvious, slowly packing back up his lunch and zippering it and standing it up and picking up, and then Ryan comes back from the garbage cans and they walk out together. They talk the whole way to the language wing before he turns into Mrs. Garbor’s room with a quick goodbye. 

Shane turns and walks back towards the main stairs they just passed. He had walked past them to squeeze every bit of time he could out of the walk back. He was rarely late to math in the first place, Mr. Gamello wouldn’t care. Hopefully. There isn’t a lunch bell anyways but as soon as he walks in, he realizes his mistake. Everyone is in their seats and Mr. Gamello has already started getting ready to teach. Everyone turns to stare at him as he sits in his seat, all the way across from the door. It’s awkward and uncomfortably silent. His teacher only points to the clock and hands him a warning slip. 3 of those and he’s got detention. He normally would freak out at the smallest bit of trouble but he isn’t even affected. Instead, he finds it totally worth it. 

He’s got one more class after this and he just needs it to sort of be over. There’s a staircase near the math wing that barely anyone touches besides anyone going up to the math rooms. It’s far off and there’s a weird ramp thing that you have to walk up to get back to the normal loop. But for him, it’s perfect. All he’s got to do is head down that staircase and boom. He’s at his next class. 

Shane walks in the opposite direction and down the stairs he had come up after lunch. He bumps into Ryan. Smiling, he asks what his next class is. Surprise, surprise its math. They take a left and head towards the secluded stairwell. He stops in front of one of the classrooms before the doors leading to and says, “Alright, see you practice.” 

Public speaking is almost as boring as a class can get. It’s listening to his teacher describe all the ways you can be better at it, then he makes you do a speech. Then repeat. It’s a semester course, not a full year one, thank goodness. So he’s gotten through almost all of it. Next semester, it’s horticulture with his biology teacher which only sounds marginally better. 

Today is not a speech day so he stares off into space, head in his hand and watches the clock. 

He gathers his stuff when the bell rings and waits until Ryan comes down the steps. Trying to not make it obvious he was waiting, he sort of pretends not to notice him. He gets to the top of the ramp and looks over where he’s walking and strikes up a conversation. It makes the walk to the locker rooms moderately enjoyable. It’s a straight shot back to them. They keep talking when they change. Shane making of Ryan for the way he takes of his shirt, joking it makes him look like a typical jock. He lifts the collar from his behind his head, which effectively shows off both his abs and arms. Show off. 

Coach starts practice with a couple of laps. Everyone is hyper-aware that the game is tomorrow. Sensing everyone’s anxiety about it, Coach tells them all to sit after they finish the last lap around. “Alright. Alright. Today we’re going easy, sound reasonable?” 

“Yes, Coach.” They say enthusiastically. 

He tells them who’s starting in tomorrow’s game. It’s five of the best senior guys. No surprise there. Then he lists off the main subs. 2 of the best juniors and Ryan and Shane. Both of them. One of the juniors who didn’t get put into any of the main 9 spots, gets a bit pissed that he’s not in the main rotation but is told, he is likely going to be in anyways, so shut up or you’ll ruin it. Shane and Ryan high-five. Coach sees them and gives them this proud look. They do a giant set that’s all mostly easy stuff like box jumps or Russian twists. Then they do a quick game. Its clear Coach does not want them getting too competitive. 

It’s the starters vers the main subs and pissed off junior kid. Shane goes up for the jump ball and so does Scotty. They’re equal height and Scotty decides to stick his tongue out. Coach throws it up, and surprisingly, Shane hits over. It smacks into Ryan’s chest and he dribbles it instinctively, passing it over to Torrez who’s wide open near half-court. Shane tries to get open close to the three-point line but is heavily guarded. Ryan also tries, getting close to it but closer to the sideline. Shane manages to get away from Mink, who has not left him alone, and Torrez passes it. He spots Ryan who says something quick. Passing it, he’s flooded with relief when he catches it and manages to successfully pull off a layup. They nod at each other. Shane looks over at Coach, who also nods. 

They’re going to win this game, there’s no doubt in his mind about that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so ok wow im sort of like at a loss for words at how much positive feedback ive gotten from this story. i swear everytime i get a comment i just sort of want to breakdown crying. they make my day sm more than you guys could ever know. you guys are amazing and i needed you all to srsly know that. alsooooo 
> 
> shanes whole coming out thing and that diary entry were pretty much lifted verbatim from how my diary and my feelings after i realized i was bi. or at least admitted it to myself. its one of those things thats unique to everyone but also extremely universal so i hope i did it justice.


	6. The Big Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow its been a while.

Shane barely gets any sleep the night before. 

He’s bubbling with excitement for the game and his mind hasn’t stopped thinking about Ryan. He forces his eyes to shut and his thoughts to cease once he realizes it’s closer to 3 am then he’s comfortable with. 

The whole team looks great in their uniforms. The crisp white with the deep navy letters is so clean and easy on the eyes. He’s more than grateful that he barely sees Ryan during the day because it would’ve been hard for him to focus on literally anything. When he does see him in the locker room right before the game, he sort of doesn’t know what to do. 

His tan arms contrast the white so so so well. They’re out for all to see in the tank top. Shane’s not complaining. He figures he should crack a joke instead of just staring at Ryan. But then he lifts his shirt up to fan himself quick. His abs are so…. just so...they’re distracting. To say the least. His head falls and he feels a hand on his shoulder. 

“First game, you nervous?” Scotty says. 

“Nah I’ll be fine. How about you, Captain?” He pokes his brother in the ribs. 

He laughs. “I’m basically a pro...little bro.” He ruffles his hair, clearing enjoying the rhyme. 

“We aren’t in a poorly written YA novel, don’t call me that.” 

Ryan bumps him as he passes. A slightly crooked smile appeared on his face. He forgets what he was talking with Scotty about and just gives him a punch to his shoulder before heading over to Ryan’s gym locker. He pulls out his bag and starts to go through it. He decides against trying to make a joke because he knows it won’t be funny. Or even make sense. 

Coach heads into the locker room. “Alright boys, it’s almost time. What are we going to do out there?” 

“Win!” They shout. 

“Scotty? Floor is yours.” He steps in front of everyone. 

Shane smiles at his brother and gives him a small thumbs up. He looks nervous. It’s his first real pre-game pep talk speech as Captain. “Now guys, I’ve played with most of you for a good amount of the time I’ve been playing. I know you, your strengths and your weakness as well as my own. Each and every one of you is capable, even Shane,” He rolls his eyes at his brother. “...Of doing great things out there on the court today. Even if we don’t win, it will be okay because we know that we tried our absolute best. Now, who are we?” 

“Warriors!” The team yells together. 

“Now lets go out there and show them that.” 

His heart is racing as they run out. He takes a seat on the bench and watches his brother go out to the center. The other team sends out a guy only an inch shorter but Shane crosses his fingers anyways. Ryan sits down at the bench next to him. He gives him a nod and looks out at the court. 

Scotty swings his arms before taking his place. He doesn’t look nervous, his face stoic and his body still as he waits. It’s Shane who’s bottom lip is getting chewed and his leg that’s bouncing on its own volition. Ryan takes slips a piece of gum into his mouth and offers one to Shane. He gives him a quick thanks before returning his focus to his brother. 

His eyes are zeroed in on the ball as the referee tosses it up. His chest rises but doesn’t fall. Scotty’s hands make contact with the ball first and he pushes it towards his teammates. Shane lets out a breath. He and Ryan share a relieved smile. They manage to get it down to their basket where Patton passes Scotty the ball. He goes up for a layup and makes it. 

By halftime, they’re up by 2. 

Coach puts Ryan into the game first and he assists mainly but manages to sink one. Shane cheers involuntarily. After the third-quarter coach switches out one of the seniors for Shane. His hands are shaking like crazy until he gets in position and he calms almost instantaneously. He can see clearly and he’s going off everything he’s been learning these few weeks. Shane doesn’t snap out of it until he hears cheering from the bleachers getting louder. He looks over and then to the scoreboard. It’s tied with 30 seconds left. All he has to do is make this shot. No pressure. Absolutely none at all. His heart is ready to burst and he can barely feel his legs but he starts dribbling. Dodging the other team. He’s getting closer. And closer. Swish. 

He did it. He made it. 

There’s a wave of relief that washes over him and he feels lighter. His team surrounds him and everyone starts cheering. He feels Ryan grab his shoulder. Before he can really register it, he’s getting squeezed in the tightest hug of his life. Shane has no complaints really. Not until he feels it’s gone on a bit long to just be a friendly hug and now his brain is thinking about that while he can still feel Ryan on him with his arms and his abs and his hair that smells like coconut or it might be mango. Fuck. He needs to breathe. He hasn’t taken a full breath since before he made the shot, just shallow pants. And now he’s so consumed with thoughts about his friend that still hasn’t let go that breathing is the least important thing right now. 

Ryan does let go. He grabs his arms, “Jesus Christ, dude. That was fucking great.” His voice is fond with not even a hint of envy. And the compliment makes Shane blush to his ears. 

“Yeah, man. You, uh, you did...you did great.” Shane can barely get the words out. “Thanks, Shane.” He looks around. “You and Scotty going to Linda’s party later tonight?” 

“Wasn’t planning on it.” Ryan looks down. “Oh.” 

“Why? You want me to go, little guy?” He teases. 

“Shut up, Shane.” He starts walking towards the bench.

“Yeah. I do,” Ryan says. 

Shane grabs his water bottle. “Ok. I’ll go.”

“You don’t have to. You can just forget I said anything, really.” 

Shane laughs. “Nope. I’m going. And, I’m going to stick to you the whole night. You won’t be able to get rid of me.” He bumps Ryan. “Besides, getting drunk after our first win? Sounds like a good enough night.” 

They both grab their stuff and Shane gives him a wave before heading over to Scotty. He’s talking with his girlfriend’s parents, who come to more games then their actual parents. He gives them a wave and they get going. He looks back over his shoulder at Ryan who’s talking with his parents. 

He’s really torn up about his feelings for Ryan. Just because he’s acknowledged that they’re there doesn’t mean he likes them. They complicate everything. Not only their budding friendship. What would a relationship even look like between them? It just...it wouldn’t work. Even if he likes him, even if Ryan likes him back. They can’t. Think about the team. If they were to break up it would completely fuck up the team dynamic. So, no. They can never happen. Ever. It doesn’t mean he can’t be a bit upset about it, though. 

His brother grabs his bag and tosses it in the trunk. They’ve got a few hours before Linda’s party is supposed to start. He still needs to shower and figure out what to wear. It’s his first time hanging out with Ryan since they’ve decided to call this truce and he wants to look good. Sue him. 

Scotty pulls into the driveway and isn’t surprised when his mom’s car isn’t there. She’s started working overtime more. Shane gets it but he misses her. He needs his mom. But she isn’t herself right now. His mom’s been closed off and distant since the divorce. He’s barely seen her since dad moved out besides when she brings home dinner. Which she hasn’t done since the night they had Chipotle. He and Scotty have had a lot of boxed mac and cheese. And ramen. Scotty hasn’t really said anything about either of their parents since their dad left that voicemail. It’s just been looming over them. He assumes Scotty feels the same way. It wasn’t right of his dad to put that burden on them. They didn’t do anything besides be born to two parents who didn’t truly love each other. That’s not their fault. It’s their parents. No matter what his brain keeps telling him. 

Scotty hasn’t really been home either. He’s either at one of the guy’s houses or at his girlfriend’s. Mandy’s great. She’s really nice and kind and funny. Plus, her parents treat Scotty like the son they never had. So, he doesn’t blame Scotty for always being there. Especially when Mandy’s mom makes the most amazing homecooked meals. Those are always the best nights when he comes home with a tupperware of whatever they had for dinner. Just because it has to be microwaved doesn’t mean it’s not a homemade meal. Shane will take what he can get at this point. 

His mom still keeps the fridge and pantry stocked with stuff to eat. He’s been meaning to learn how to cook. He should probably text his mom and tell her he’s going to be out tonight but he doesn’t want to. Let her sit and wonder if Shane will ever be home. Give her a taste of her own medicine. He needs to get drunk and let loose. He just fucking won his first basketball game, he’s earned this. Maybe he’s being harsh on his mom. But he doesn’t want to worry about that right now. He has too much in his head to think about someone who is barely in his life at the moment. 

If she wants a say, she can start acting like an actual mother again. 

He hears Scotty come out of the bathroom. “Go shower, you fucking reek, dude.” 

“Ugh, fuck off.” He feels the towel hit him in the back. “Dickhead.” 

The bathroom is still filled with steam. He wipes the mirror and stares at himself. His eyes are purple. He really needs to start going to bed at a more reasonable hour. Shane turns the shower knob and starts undressing. He feels the water before getting in. It’s still not warm enough. He gives it a second. Putting his hand under, he feels again. Now, it’s too hot. He turns the knob again. Gives it a second. Perfect. 

He lets the water hit his back. It’s refreshing and comforting. As the water rushes off of his body and down the drain, so does everything on his mind. It’s an all-surrounding white noise that wraps around him, hugging him tightly. Shane can breathe for the first time in a while. No Ryan, no divorce, no essay due tomorrow. Nothing. Just the warmth and steam. He can barely bring himself to get out of it after he’s washed his hair and body. Even as the water begins to turn cold. He’s swept up in the relief of silence. 

Shane wraps the towel around his waist. Standing in front of the mirror again he wipes it off. He doesn’t look any different, save for the wet hair and body, but he sure feels it. That shower was exactly what he needed. He feels like he has the strength to see Ryan now. And not get so consumed with himself. That’s definitely a habit in need of breaking. Make it his new year’s resolution. Sure. 

His brother pounds on the door of the bathroom and yells at him. He steps out and makes it back to his room where he has to try and figure out what he’s going to wear. It doesn’t matter. He can wear anything. This party is definitely  _ not  _ about Ryan. Even if this is their first time really hanging out since their little agreement and Shane’s realization.

Digging through his drawers he finds a hoodie and some black jeans. Not really his style just yet. He goes over to his closet and pushes the clothes all hanging up and finds a flannel to wear over his sweatshirt. The outfit is, to be frank, basic. He looks like every white guy ever but it works. This party is going to be the first one he’s ever gone to, like ever. Maybe he can pin the nervous feeling in his stomach on that and not Ryan. Scotty yells he’s leaving in 5 and Shane shouts back. 

He goes out into the living room. “Let’s go,” 

“Finally,” Scotty huffs, getting up and spinning his keys on the lanyard. 

He’s going to party and he’s going to hang out with Ryan Bergara after winning their first-ever basketball game. What has his life become? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry but im back baby. next chapter will be a flashforward but cutting back to the party i think. is that a cool idea???? idk anywhooo ily all and i missed u.


	7. Linda's Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the timeline is kinda getting a bit wack so lemme explain it. 
> 
> the last chapter was around mid december and this one takes place at the end of january. a whole month has taken place since the last chapter. the italics are flashbacks to the night of the party which was mid decemeber. make sense? okay good lol
> 
> oh and also, heres a playlist! --some of the songs are literally only in there bc of their vibes and thats it.

[playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0xasuBR09Zfd7vPjyl1F7a?si=FTq5b9APRi6vwQFPa3Oe6A)

It’s the last day of January, he’s somehow made it this far on the team. They’ve won almost every game with only one exception. Most of the players had the flu and were out, they still held their ground but lost by 2. Everything has been going steady for Shane. His friendship with Ryan, his relationship with his brother and his spot on the team. His midterms had gone well and he was pleasantly surprised by the grades he got on them. 

When everything is going well, it’s hard not to think that at any moment something will go horribly wrong. He thought his parents were in love one day and the next they were divorced. He’s just waiting for Ryan to snap at him and tell him he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Shane’s started pulling away, as a way to brace himself. Everyone lets him down, who says Ryan will be any different. He’s got to be safe, he isn’t sure how much more hurt he can take. 

The season has one more month left, soon enough it’ll be over and then it’ll be track and then summer and the cycle will repeat again. He wants it all to stop. But that kind of thought isn’t healthy, and it passes quick enough he doesn’t pay it any mind. 

The closer he gets with Ryan, the further he wants to pull back and recoil. He’s never been good at being open with people. Always afraid of being hurt. But at the same time, he really likes Ryan. The more they talk and play and hangout, the more fond he grows for him. Ryan is funny and kind and likes the same movies and has similar opinions but they also disagree on a lot and whenever they argue it feels like old times but now they’re _friends._ It almost doesn’t feel real. No part of these last few weeks have felt real, to be fair. 

_His brother yelled at him to hurry up and get into the car. Scotty was never really knew for his patience anyways. He slammed the door with a huff and told him to fuck off already. The cold air had turned his cheek a rose color and his nose was beginning to run. The leather seats were warming every second his jeans were against it. He pulled out his phone to check for any messages and saw nothing, so he put his phone away._

“Hey,” Scotty said. 

Shane gave him a weak smile. “Hi.” 

“What’s wrong?” His voice grew concerned. “Is it mom and dad?” 

“No. No. Not that.” 

“Then what’s got your face all like that?” He poked at his chin. 

He slapped at his hand. “Nothing.” 

_Linda’s house was a good 20 minute drive from their house but especially in this weather. It wasn’t snowing but it wasn’t raining but it was also somehow doing both. Scotty always said he hated driving in this weather. Shane wondered what his brother’s motives were for the night if he was dragging himself out onto the roads in this weather._

_He was tempted to ask but he knew his brother. The dude would punch him if he asked. Not an exaggeration, he hated talking about his love life. Ever. His girlfriend never comes over to the house anymore. Shane always thought that was because he was home but then Scotty told him they weren’t even having sex, so that probably wasn’t it. But, it was by some miracle Scotty had even told him that he wasn’t having sex, that was all he was getting out of him for a long while._

Scotty nodded and walked to the fridge. For how great things were, Shane has skipped school 2 days this week, with no intention of going tomorrow. They’re allowed 3 absences a whole season and he was going to use them all on one week. He was actually sick, to be fair. But it wasn’t _just_ that. Normally when he was sick he’d go in late or leave early but he hasn’t been able to get out of bed. It’s nothing more than a normal cold, so the not even being able to drag himself to school thing was a bit out of the ordinary to his brother. Not his mom though, she barely noticed. She brought home soup from one of the restaurants near her work that he loves, so he was grateful for that. But it still stung when she muttered a get well soon and a gave him a kiss on the forehead before not checking up on him again. His brother, who acts like a selfish asshole, has been bringing him tissues and meals and water and water he wants really. He gets a text from Ryan wondering if he’s alright but doesn’t have the energy to respond. Instead he sets his phone back down and turns over, shutting his eyes. 

Ryan was part of the reason. His feelings had gotten intense, so intense he could barely be around him normally anymore. But he loved being Ryan’s friend. This sucked. He turned back over and grabbed his phone. He typed up a quick text. 

**(05:34 pm) Ryan Bergara:** u ok???? im worried. 

**(05:44 pm) Shane Madej:** Still a bit icky. But don’t think I’m contagious if you would like to come over. You can only watch The Office for so long. 

**(05:46 pm) Ryan Bergara:** omw!! :) 

His heart smashed to the bottom of his stomach. This wasn’t a good idea. Shane was tired and when he’s tired he always spills everything. He’s definitely going to say the wrong thing. Like really wrong. And then Ryan will hate him and his life will once again be in tatters or shambles or a heap of garbage. Whatever description you like. 

_Shane didn’t love to think about sex, it would always lead to thinking about who he was having sex with. Was that person a guy or a girl? Who was it? Ryan or Sara or John Krasinksi. I mean who wouldn’t fuck John Krasinski if given the chance. Not the point right now though. He’s tired already and they haven’t even gotten to the party yet. He can’t believe he was thinking about sex right before he’s about to hang out with the guy he has a crush on at a house party._

_He needs alcohol._

The knock at his door shook him from his thoughts. He got out from under the blankets and paused the show. As he opened up the door, he found Ryan. He was holding a thermos and a box of microwaveable popcorn. “Hey,” he said. 

“Hey.” He opened the door and gestured for him to come in. 

Ryan walked straight to the kitchen where he set down everything on the island. “Popcorn or soup first, big guy?” He scoffed at himself. “Who am I kidding? Popcorn.” 

Shane smiled. He knew him so well. His brother came down the stairs super loud and practically jumped Ryan. Scotty hadn’t really left the house much except to go to school and practice so seeing him was a good surprise. He and his girlfriend had broken up but he didn’t want to talk about it, like usual. Instead of dealing with the guys asking what happened or trying to get him laid, he’s just been coming straight home and staying in his room. But his brother is the definition of an extrovert, he can tell its been killing him. He hasn’t told Shane why either. He will when he’s ready, that’s what matters. 

Ryan seemed happy to see Scotty anyways. They started talking while Shane waited by the microwave, watching the little line on the timer thing bounce around until the 20 seconds countdown started. He turned back and stared at Ryan. 

His t shirt looked a size too small, judging by how tightly it was clinging to his arms, and his joggers had a small hole in them. He looked comfortable. Shane jumped a bit when the loud beep signaled the popcorn was ready. Ryan laughed at him. 

Scotty grabbed the bag from his hands and ripped it open. He must’ve done it too forcefully though because popcorn went in 3 different directions. He hit his brother and took the bag back. “You fucking dickhead.” Shane said, putting some of the popcorn that was left in his mouth. Ryan laughed and took out another one. 

_The cold air hit his face the second he opened the car door. Linda’s house was big, like really big. Her parents were both doctors, he thinks. The music can be heard from out here, it’s some rap song he’s definitely heard before. Boring._

_As soon as he gets in, he realizes how fucking cliche this party is. Everything you have ever seen in a movie where a bunch of high schoolers go out and party has been crammed into this house. You’ve got the red solo cups, kids playing that game where u pass around a card by sucking on it, horny teenagers making out on the sofa and the occasional chant to peer pressure someone into shotgunning a whole can of PBR._

_He spots Ryan in one of the orange chairs talking with a couple of the guys. He sits on the arm of the chair and gives him a high five that lingers a bit too long. They start talking and walk over to get Shane something to drink. The conversation is light enough but every time Ryan looks over at him he wants to lean in and kiss his dumb face._

_Ryan leans over and whispers to follow him. They head up the stairs, solo cups in hand, and Shane does as he’s told. He opens up the door to a room with no one in it. The door shuts behind him and he locks it. He heads to the window and opens it. A cold breeze rushes in. “Come on, Madej. Grab a blanket.” Shane does as he’s told._

“Come on, Madej.” It shakes him from his memory. 

They head up to Shane’s room, popcorn bowl in hand. It’s not like they haven’t done this before. Ryan comes over all the time now. His room is a mess but it doesn’t even phase him. He jumps onto the bed. He steals the remote from him and starts going through his Netflix, clearly unsure of what he even wants to watch. 

Shane hasn’t been avoiding him. That isn’t quite the right word. It’s more like he’s been doing all he can to not talk to him. That isn’t much better. God, he doesn’t want to admit that everything about them has changed since that night. 

That dumb fucking night. 

It shouldn’t change anything and apparently it meant nothing to Ryan. He can’t tell if that's a good thing or not. If it does mean something, it could also mean the end of their stable friendship and the beginning of something that he could lose at any second. And he can’t afford that. So, that’s why he didn’t text him or try and reach out after the party. It was easier. 

Getting sick was really convenient in that regard. He had emailed coach to let him know he’d be out a couple days and the small break from school stress was really nice. But he missed Ryan. He hated that. He hated this stupid crush. 

_“It’s fucking cold out here,” Shane said._

_Ryan took a sip of his beer. “Refreshing.”_

_“You’re strange,” He said fondly, looking over at him. They shared a quick smile. “It’s stuffy inside. Maybe you had a good idea.”_

_“Maybe.”_

_“May-be.”_

_He looked over at Ryan and studied his face. He was looking up at the stars. It made his heart clench. The noise from the party had faded and all he could focus on was Ryan. Ryan Ryan Ryan. That was all he could focus on anymore._

The Netflix intro sounded on his TV and he was pulled from his thoughts again. A sex scene started playing almost immediately. “Sex Education?” 

“You know it, baby.” 

That made his heart squeeze and do a couple flips. “Ah.” He grabbed a handful of popcorn. Nope. He wasn’t about to start on that line of thinking. That train of thought was not a good one and he knows that. If he focuses on the show, he doesn’t focus on Ryan. And how fucking good he looks right now. How good he looked that night. Fuck. 

It had been almost a month since that night and just about everything had changed but also hadn’t at all. But they haven’t said anything about it. Nothing. Nada. Just silence and these weird moments where it seems like they might but in the end they don’t. He’s only half complaining. Shane fucking hates talking about his feelings, he and Scotty have that in common, it’s just unnatural to him. I mean what’s peoples obsession with talking about feelings about anyways? It doesn’t really ever do any good. 

_“Shane, can I tell you something? Something that I’ve never told anyone.”_

_“Of course,” He said.”_

_Ryan took a deep breath. He looked over at him. “I’m…” He paused. “I’m...I’m gay.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Okay.”_

Shane grabbed the bowl from Ryan’s lap. He grabbed it back. They kept going back and forth over this stupid bowl until it escaladed into a full on wrestling match over the thing. Ryan gripped the bowl’s sides and tried to pry it from between his legs. Eventually he climbed over so he was straddling him and began pulling from that angle. Their faces were so close. The breathing was so loud. He could kiss him. He wanted to kiss him. 

He pushed Ryan off him and handed him the bowl. “Fuck.” 

It was weird. There was this tension filling the room. He was standing in front of Ryan, unable to speak or move. He wanted to say something, just to end this uncomfortable silence but everything he tried to say died on the tip of his tongue before it could slip out. He was scared that whatever he would say would only screw things up further. The moment felt like it would never end. 

_“Okay?”_

_Shane sighed. “I just...I’m sorry. Um, I’m gay, too. Actually.”_

_Ryan smiled. He rested his head on his shoulder. He looked back at the stars and pointed at a constellation. Shane just looked at him as he launched into a long explanation about it. Everything about this moment was perfect. The blanket covering them both, the music that could be heard, the breeze, the snow that was beginning to fall, the understanding of their sexualties and the shared experience of feeling comfortable enough in their friendship to share that with each other._

_“Ryan,” He said._

_“Yeah?”_

_He leaned forward but stopped. “Thanks for tonight.”_

The bowl fell from Ryan’s hands. He seemed to be stuck in the same way as Shane. They both didn’t know what to say or do. It was the combined awkwardness of both that night and that moment coming together, with the added bonus of avoiding what they really needed to be talking about. He really wanted to say something. Shane was so fucking tired of being scared to take a risk when it came to love. If he didn’t start now, would he ever? 

“Ryan,” He started. 

“No. Don’t. I’m leaving.” He got up and grabbed his stuff before walking out. 

He called down. “Ryan, wait. Don’t go, please.” 

Shane rushed down the stairs and pushed the front door closed as he tried to open it. He wouldn’t even look at him. It seemed like there was something he really wanted to say but just couldn’t. A part of him knew he should just let him go but another part of him was smarter than that. If he let him go, they would never talk and all his worst fears about losing Ryan would come to fruition. So, he held the door. 

He eventually gave up and turned to Shane. Grabbing him, he pulled him into a tight hug. It was unexpected. And warm. It was really warm. He felt him start to shake and heard him start crying. Shane could only rub his back and whisper in his ears that he was here. He would always be here for him, no matter what. 

_Shane could be imagining it but he thinks Ryan may have leaned in as well. But the implications of that. They could break him. Did he want to kiss him too? God. He just wants to know if his lips feel as soft as they look. They have to, right? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

“Ryan, I love you.” 

“What?” 

“I love you.”


	8. You're the Habit I Can't Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They make up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone. its been a very long time since I've updated and for that I deeply apologize.

“No,” Ryan said. “You...don’t, you...can’t.” 

Shane grabbed his hand but dropped it as soon as he did. “I don’t want to ruin--” 

“But that’s the fucking thing, you did.” 

“What?” 

“You already ruined it.” 

Shane’s mouth opened like he was going to say something and then closed again. “Get out.” 

“Gladly.” The door slammed. 

Shane kicked the door and then fell against it. Everything had just gotten a million times more complicated. Just his luck. He stayed there, the strength needed to get up from the floor not coming to him. His brother came down the stairs. He wordlessly came over and sat beside him. He put his head on his brother’s shoulder and began to sob. Scotty rubbed his back. Everything about this moment felt surreal. He can’t believe he told Ryan he loved him. That’s just not something he would do. But it was. He assumes his brother heard everything so he doesn’t feel the need to say anything. What is this going to mean for them? For the team? Shane screwed up. He screwed up badly. 

“Mandy and I broke up right before the party. I told her I didn’t want to stay together in college. She wanted to just speed up the breakup.” 

“I’m sorry,” Shane said. 

“It needed to be said and I said it.” He looked over. “You needed to be honest with Ryan, it needed to be said.” 

He finished his sentence. “And I said it.” 

“Yeah,” He got up and offered his hand. “Let’s go get something to eat.” 

Scotty always knew what I needed. He’s been the person who was there for him when not even his mom or dad was. This whole Ryan situation was, of course, no different. He was here for him. No matter what. It was a nice feeling, knowing someone had your back like that. 

They pull into their diner and head to their normal booth. Their waitress, a newer lady he doesn’t think he’s ever seen working comes over, she’s bubbly and friendly and the good energy she’s radiating is exactly what he needs. He tries to remember to tip her well. He doesn’t change his order from his regular, a turkey club with onion rings and honey mustard on the side with a diet coke, he needs something he knows. Shane hates change. “Change sucks.” 

“Yeah,” Scotty agrees. “But, things will get better.” 

“Maybe.” 

He sips from the paper straw the diner started giving out. “No, not maybe. It will, no maybe about it. Remember when mom and dad first split? It fucking sucked. We adjusted and it sucked a lot for a long time but it’s better now, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You’re going to be okay.” 

Scotty was right about his mom and dad’s divorce. It hadn’t been finalized that long but everything had gotten better. Mom seemed happy, genuinely happy, no fake smiles or fake laughs or just going with whatever dad suggested. He liked seeing her like that. Especially now that income had begun to steady out, she had enough saved to lessen her hours and spend more time at home. She had taught Shane how to make grilled cheese and how to boil pasta correctly and taught him some secrets to making box mac and cheese the best it could be. He hadn’t realized just how much he missed her until she started spending time at home again. She had this warm and comforting presence that their dad hadn’t ever had. His dad didn’t like hugs or saying he loved them or spending time with them in general. He was cold most of the time. But sometimes, every once and a blue moon, he was a good dad. Took them to baseball games and helped them with homework and kicked around a soccer ball. Those moments were ones he clung too when they got divorced, forgetting how not great he was the other 75% the time. 

It was like as soon as one thing in his life got better, something else was standing there waiting to fuck it all up again. He was tired. Tired of constantly picking up the pieces and of change to his routines and how much he cared about things that other people just didn’t, like feelings. Feelings aren’t bad. Sometimes they’re scary and it’s easier to push them down but when you finally _deal_ with them, you realize just how not scary or necessary it is to feel that. 

He’s glad he told Ryan. 

It feels weird to say that, given the way he took it but maybe he just needs time. He’s not going to pull a Jim Halpert and transfer, he’s going to give him what he needs. Shane knows, deep in his heart, that Ryan feels what he does. They would never be just friends, there would also be their unspoken feelings looming over them. If you didn’t like someone like that you wouldn’t have almost kissed him...multiple times. He knows Ryan, has for a long time, he’s a brave guy. But when it comes to ghosts and feelings, he’s the ultimate coward.

Their waitress, who’s name is Julia he finally finds out, sets down his turkey club. He gives her a polite smile and a thank you and picks up the sandwich. She sets down Scotty’s meal, waffles with strawberries and whipped cream. He always gets breakfast food for some reason, something about how he never gets to have a proper breakfast at home. He doesn’t really know, he thinks he’s just weird. That’s more plausible. 

Their conversation is lighter now, mostly about school and the game and college. It’s like today didn’t happen. They’re just Shane and Scotty. Brothers. Members of a winning team. That’s all they are. No Ryan or Mandy drama. Just them. They finish up and pay. And as they walk out, Shane decides. He’s going to talk to Ryan. Work through this. He has to. 

He knows this is too big to do over text or facetime. So he does the only rational thing he can think to do while an emotional wreck. He shows up at Ryan’s house. Scotty agreed to drive him there, a bit apprehensive at first but agreed nonetheless. He sits in the car for a moment staring at the house. Shane’s been there a bunch of times. This part isn’t even the hardest part. He can do this. He just has to get out of the car and knock on the door and talk to him. Shane can talk, he talks all the time. Scotty looks over and gives him a reassuring nod. He takes that and opens the car door. His steps feel purposeful as he goes to the door, knocking quickly and then stepping back. Ryan’s dad opens the door and smiles, greeting him with a warm hello like he normally does. “Ryan’s right in his room. He’s in a miserable mood,” 

“Yeah, that’s why I came over.” 

His dad shuts the door behind him and gestures towards the stairs. He goes up them, with each step he becomes painfully aware that there’s no going back. Shane gets to his door, which is closed. He knocks as he had done before and hears a mumbled, “Come in.” 

As he turns the knob he feels like this was a mistake but...no going back. “What do you want dad? I already told you I--” He stops his sentence when he sees it’s Shane. 

“Um, hey. I’m sorry for just coming over like this but I just,” He stays at the doorway. “I couldn’t leave it like that. So I just wanted to apologize.” 

“Oh.” Is all he says. _Oh._ The word rings in his ears. 

He turns and closes the door. “Ryan,” 

“No, before you say anything else, I’m the one who should be sorry,” He says. “I was just scared that maybe you didn’t mean it or, you know, didn’t mean it the same way as I wanted you to mean. That doesn’t make sense. What I’m trying to...What I’m saying is that I love you too. I’m _in_ love with you. Like I love you a lot. And I just was so scared that you didn’t feel the same way.” Shane comes closer then, grabbing his hands. 

“I’m in love with you too. Idiot.” 

Ryan looks up at him. “Oh, okay, yeah. Uh, cool?” 

“Shut up already.” He says. 

And he kisses him. Shane kisses Ryan. Yes, his lips are as soft as he thought they would be. Softer, somehow. The kiss is very them, slow at first and gradually they get more frantic. Hands under shirts and on zippers and buttons. Pulling and tugging and savoring. They fall back onto his bed. Both of their shirts and Shane’s jeans on the floor. The only barrier is Ryan’s joggers and Shane’s boxers. It becomes all too real then, as his hands run up and down his bare abdomen. He pulls back from the kiss, “Are you sure?” 

“Yes. I’m so very fucking sure.” Ryan rolls them over and climbs on top of Shane. 

“Good.” He reaches for his joggers then, pulling them down quickly.

His hands move to the waistband of Ryan’s own boxers he plays with it for a moment while they kiss. Slowly, he slips them into it and grabs his dick. He feels Ryan tense for a moment before letting out a small moan. They move again so Shane is over him, hand still in his boxers. He pulls them down too. He kisses at his neck, biting a bit sometimes and kisses down. He’s got these abs that he can’t get enough off. As he gets closer and closer to where Ryan really wants his mouth he can feel his grip on his arms tighten like he’s bracing himself. There’s no going back now. He begins to move his hands up and down as his mouth goes around the head. Ryan moans and fuck, it is the sexiest thing he’s ever heard. It only makes him keep going further and further until he feels his hair being pulled harder than it’s ever been pulled and his mouth gets filled with a salty taste. He swallows it, not exactly caring for the taste. 

He moves to also lay on his back. They look over at each other and smile. Shane feels whole. Like this is what his life had been missing. Ryan fucking Bergara. The guy he’s hated for years. He just sucked him off. Funny how life works. But this feels like the start of something big. Bigger than their friendship ever could have been. They love each other and they kissed and it was _amazing._ He loves Ryan and Ryan loves him back. This is a feeling like no other. It's a high no drug could reach. Or maybe that's the post-sex haze talking. Whatever. All that matters is that they're here and they're with each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im currently going thru a one direction phase so uhh that's always fun! I've listened to nothing but harry styles and louis tomlinson. this might be my last fic for this tag for a while because i haven't been watching anything bfu or watcher related for a while. idk it just hasn't sparked my interest lately. but ill end up coming back probably. i love u all, u know that. this story has been a good one and no promises but i might write an epilogue because i love this Ryan and this Shane. anywho, u can message me on twitter @hayleycclark if you want. i always do love a good chat. i hope you've enjoyed this story the same way i have, love you all. goodbye for now.

**Author's Note:**

> sooooooooo hope u enjoyed. 
> 
> right me a comment or gimme that sweet sweet kudos...this fic has potential and i have 4 more days off school so uakkk what that means my guys, gals and non binary pals!


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